The NFL Draft is nearly here, and as the best professionals in the business put the finishing touches on their big draft boards, we take a look at how most of them will fail miserably.
2017 Daly Dose Mockery Draft
1. Cleveland Browns
The Cleveland Browns have been searching for a bona fide starting quarterback for decades, unfortunately this class doesn’t have any. So, if you’re looking to make fun of them for drafting a quarterback here, think again. Of course, they do have Brock Osweiler…so go nuts.
Pick: Myles Garrett DE Texas A&M
2. San Francisco 49ers
Niners owner Jed York has done a wonderful job of running a once-proud franchise directly into the ground. He is now telling us that new general manager John Lynch, and new head coach Kyle Shanahan, are going to be a great combo for years to come. Do we we have any reason to doubt him? Yes. yes we do.
Pick: Solomon Thomas DE Stanford
3. Chicago Bears
Head coach John Fox may be in a playoffs or else situation here. The Jay Cutler era is over in the Windy City, but now the Bears have to deal with the very real situation of finding another quarterback to be better than Cutler. Mike Glennon has been signed to replace Cutler, and even though he has a tendency to throw some dangerous passes, at least he might act like he actually cares afterward.
Pick: Jonathan Allen DE Alabama
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
What to do with QB Blake Bortles? He seems to only look good in garbage time, once the game is already decided. So it seems that the Jags will draft Fournette, who only plays when he feels like it too. What could possibly go wrong?
Pick: Leonard Fournette RB LSU
5. Tennessee Titans
The Titans were headed to the playoffs last season, until starting QB Marcus Mariota suffered a season ending injury. This is a good young team that is more than capable of being a championship contender. And then coming up about a half-yard short.
Pick: Mike Williams WR Clemson
6. New York Jets
The Jets current quarterback depth chart consists of Josh McCown, Christian Hackenberg, and Bryce Petty… proving once and for all that they literally will take anyone on the planet over Geno Smith.
Pick: DeShaun Watson QB Clemson
7. Los Angeles Chargers
The newest NFL team in Los Angeles, taking a player named “Hooker”. Yep, that’s just science, people.
Pick: Malik Hooker S Ohio State
8. Carolina Panthers
In 2015, everything just broke right for the Panthers. They went 15-1 and went all the way to the Super Bowl. Yes, they struggled in 2016, but there is no reason to think they can’t get back on track. What could possibly go wrong when your leader and best player is a guy that wears an adult romper?
Pick: Dalvin Cook RB Florida State
9. Cincinnati Bengals
For the first time in Andy Dalton’s time in Cincinnati, the Bengals missed the playoffs. The Bengals believe that the setback was mostly due to injuries, and bad luck. Of course, they will also tell you that Dalton is a franchise quarterback, and that Marvin Lewis is a great coach. So they might not be the most credible source.
Pick: Reuben Foster LB Alabama
10. Buffalo Bills
The Bills suffered a ton of injuries last season, going 7-9, and missing the playoffs for the 57th season in a row. Of course, they did finally fire head coach Rex Ryan. So all in all, it was a pretty good year.
Pick: Jamal Adams S LSU
11. New Orleans Saints
We all laughed at Jeff Fisher for going 7-9 every season. Don’t look now but, Sean Payton has had a 7-9 record three years in a row. Good thing Payton has that Super Bowl win to quiet the critics. And also a good thing that he doesn’t have a 70’s pornstache.
Pick: Derek Barnett DE Tennessee
12. Cleveland Browns
The Browns need receiving targets, as Terrelle Pryor left via free agency. Then they will just need a passer, some offensive linemen, a runner or two, and maybe a defense.
Pick: OJ Howard TE Alabama
13. Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals failed to live up to their lofty expectations in 2016, but a lot of that was due to a huge rash of injuries, and also due to the fact that QB Carson Palmer wasn’t one of those injuries.
Pick: Corey Davis WR Western Michigan
14. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles definitely need some more offensive weapons to surround young QB Carson Wentz, and Christian McCaffrey would fit the bill there. He’s very similar to former Eagles playmaker Darren Sproles…aside from one key difference.
He’s a little taller.
Pick: Christian McCaffrey, RB Stanford
15. Indianapolis Colts
The Colts continue to try to get QB Andrew Luck killed year after year, by surrounding him with as little talent as possible. We all just assume that GM Ryan Grigson and head coach Chuck Pagano are bad at their job, but maybe they just don’t like that goofy cornball.
Pick: Takkarist McKinley DE UCLA
16. Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens have probably suffered more injuries than anyone in the NFL over the past two seasons. John Ross is a talented wide receiver, who ran the fastest 40 time in NFL Combine history, with just one drawback. He has a history of injuries.
Pick: WR John Ross Washington
17. Washington Redskins
Washington has a reasonably talented team, but an absolute disaster at quarterback. Kirk Cousins says he won’t sign a long term deal unless it’s for huge money, but that would hamstring the franchise. Much like his play did in the final three games last year.
Pick: Mitchell Trubisky QB North Carolina
18. Tennessee Titans
The Titans grab another weapon for quarterback Marcus Mariota. There’s really no reason to think these Titans won’t be a contender in the coming seasons. I mean, except for the fact that they’re the Titans.
Pick: David Njoku, TE, Miami
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs seem to be on the right track, and even had a chance to make the playoffs last season. This season, they will appear on HBO’s Hard Knocks, so all of the momentum will probably disappear.
Pick: Jabril Peppers, LB, Michigan
20. Denver Broncos
The Broncos are intent on building an offensive line that is capable of protecting their quarterback. Now if only they had a quarterback worth protecting.
Pick: Ryan Ramczyk, OT Wisconsin
21. Detroit Lions
The Lions somehow made the playoffs in 2016. The Cubs won the World Series in 2016. How did the world not end in 2016 again?
Pick: Jarrad Davis, LB, Florida
22. Miami Dolphins
Look for the Dolphins to try to shore up their linebacking crew here, in anticipation of a challenging schedule, that has the Dolphins playing four prime-time games. The schedule makers at the NFL have obviously never seen Ryan Tannehill play before.
Pick: TJ Watt, OLB, Wisconsin
23. New York Giants
The Giants need to bolster that offensive line so that they can keep Eli Manning from taking so many hits. It should help him get back to being a top notch QB, and it should help him confuse those memorabilia dealers with a cleaner jersey. So…win/win.
Pick: Garrett Boles, OT, Utah
24. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders have one of the top offenses in the NFL, with QB Derek Carr returning from injury, so they should go defense here. Last year’s Raiders defense has the distinction of allowing Brock Osweiler to actually win a playoff game. So they clearly need a lot of help.
Pick: Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan
25. Houston Texans
Speaking of Brock Osweiler, the Texans literally paid to not have him on their roster, despite the fact that it leaves them without a bonafide starter. They literally said “we would rather have no one, than have you.” Now, that’s commitment.
Pick: Patrick Mahomes, QB, Texas Tech
26. Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks have a number of holes to fill, including defensive tackle and offensive line, but we are betting that they are really desperate to get rid of a certain loudmouthed underachieving cornerback. So…
Pick: Kevin King, CB, Washington
27. Kansas City Chiefs
Last season, the Chiefs made the playoffs for the first time since 1993, despite QB Alex Smith throwing less touchdowns than Colin Kaepernick and Blake Bortles. You might think that such a lack of production would be cause to draft a QB early here, but you clearly don’t realize how stubborn head coach Andy Reid really is.
Pick: Gareon Conley, CB, Ohio State
28. Dallas Cowboys
There’s a chance that Ezekiel Elliott could face some discipline from the NFL, for a domestic violence case back in 2016, plus that whole pulling down a female’s shirt back in February. Between that time, and the time Mixon will undoubtedly be sitting out, the Cowboys should be able to keep at least one running back on the active roster.
Pick: Joe Mixon, RB, Oklahoma
29. Green Bay Packers
The Packers were so injured last year, that they were actually starting cardboard cutouts at defensive back. Yet, Aaron Rodgers is such a controlling force on the field that he was able to carry the Packers all the way to the NFC Championship game. We haven’t seen control like that since…well…since Olivia Munn got Aaron to completely shut off his family.
Pick: Teez Tabor, CB, Florida
30. Pittsburgh Steelers
Remember when Ben Roethlisberger told the Steelers he was thinking about retiring? The Steelers sure do. So they pass up talented wide receivers, linebackers, and safeties here and grab a new QB with this pick. Not so funny now, is it Ben?
Pick: DeShone Kizer, QB, Notre Dame
31. Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons need to beef up their offensive line, and Lamp should provide some depth. Plus, he reportedly knows the Heimlich maneuver. So that’s huge.
Pick: Forrest Lamp, OG, Western Kentucky
32. New Orleans Saints
New Orleans picked up another pick in the first round when they traded wide receiver Brandin Cooks to New England. New Orleans management has to be a little concerned by the fact that Bill Belichick kept on insisting that they include their soul in the deal too.
Pick: Adoree’ Jackson, CB, USC