MLB announces they will keep all future playoff schedules completely secret

Major League Baseball has had enough of you watching their postseason playoff games.

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They tried to keep their postseason schedules quiet, scheduling games for the middle of the day when the average fan is still at work.

They have even tried to hide the broadcasts for television coverage placing them on obscure networks like FS1 in between the hunting channel and the 24 hour cupcake contest channel.

But now they are playing for keeps.

They have announced that you can only watch the games if you know a secret password and the games will be scheduled at random times of the day.

“We believe that baseball should be enjoyed by only certain people. It is like an exclusive club. And we only want people who are true baseball fans.” said Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred. ‘And to be really honest we would like them to be at least 60 and preferably white. So we are going to hide the games. They might be on Friday night during prime time. Or they might be in the middle of the night on a Tuesday.You just never know. And I’m not going to tell you.”

When asked if he is concerned about baseball being so far behind football in viewership numbers Manfred was unapologetic. “Our numbers have never been higher. We have never had such high numbers in 2015 on a Wednesday afternoon as we just had yesterday. Oh sure, I know that statistic doesn’t make one ounce of sense but whatever I can do to keep the attention off of our sport being boring, outdated, and going the way of horse racing is what I am going to try to do.”

Rockies trade Tulowitzki for Reyes, magic beans

Colorado Rockies management showed on Monday night that they are unafraid to take a chance. 

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Following their 9-8 loss to the Chicago Cubs, the last place Rockies (42-55) traded their top player to the Toronto Blue Jays for shortstop Jose Reyes and “a handful of reportedly ‘magic’ beans”.

Tulowitzki is currently batting .300 with 12 home runs and 53 RBIs in 2015. A five time All-Star, he also has won two Gold Gloves in 2010 and 2011.

Reyes is a 13 year veteran and has four home runs in 2015 and is currently batting. 285.

But the story in this trade is clearly those magical beans.

Rockies co-owners Dick and Charlie Monfort will assuredly trump those beans as the saving grace in this trade but questions remain.

Could the true reason for this trade be the $113.7 million dollars that Tulo was due through 2020? (Probably.)

Will Colorado Rockies fans be distracted by the promise of the magical beans despite swapping their best player for them? (Possibly.)

Are these beans truly magical and will they take this franchise to new heights never before attained? (Doubtful.)

Do the Monforts have a long range plan to turn this franchise around; with this trade serving as the start of something big? (Nope.)

Pete Rose will bet you $200 bucks that he gets into the Baseball Hall of Fame

“Come on you suckers! Who wants some of this sweet action?” Pete Rose yells from the corner of 7th and Walnut Street in downtown Cincinnati.

Yes, Pete Rose is betting again, it would seem.

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With Major League Baseball hosting it’s annual All Star Game festivities in the Queen City this week; there were many that thought this could be a time of healing the broken relationship between Rose and the game that he played so well.

We all know the story about how Rose was given permanent ineligibility from baseball for accusations that he gambled on games while both playing and managing.

For years Rose vehemently denied all accusations and maintained his innocence.

In 2004 Rose finally admitted to betting on baseball games as well as other sports while managing the Reds but insisted that he only bet on his own team.

On June 15, 2015 ESPN concluded an investigation that determined that Rose had indeed bet on baseball while still playing as well.

Now it seems that Rose will just bet on anything.

“I bet you that you can’t find a place to park!” He yells at a driver passing by slowly.

“I’ve got 10 to 1 odds that this lady just had Botox!” he screams at another.

“People think I will never make the National Baseball Hall of Fame but I’ve got $200 right here that says I will!”

MLB to consider switching from games to Home Run Derbys

Major Leage Baseball Comissioner Rob Manfred made some news on Sunday when he announced that MLB may consider forgoing traditional games in favor of Home Run Derbys.

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“The fact is that people tune in for the Home Run Derby.” Manfred states. “It is the most watched baseball event that we have. I mean have you seen our viewer statistics? People would rather watch Food Network reruns than watch a World Series Game 7. I mean, the games are boring. We know that. We have tried to spice it up but there’s only so much we can do.”

Last season the Home Run Derby was delayed because of rain yet still managed to draw 5.4 million viewers. Whereas a Sunday Night Baseball game is averaging around 1.2 million viewers each week.

“We see that our audience demographic is changing.” Manfred continued. “Our average viewer is over 50 years of age and we need to try to attract the younger fans. So from now on, let’s just let them see what they want.”

Would the new format cheapen the game?

“I have heard critics say that it would “cheapen the game” by just focusing on home runs but that’s ridiculous. Major League Baseball has never just focused on home runs. And we never will. We would never stoop to that level. This is America’s pastime. We just want to get it back to where it once was.”

“But remember Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa? Oh man, those were good times.”

2015 MLB All-Star Game rosters released

Major League Baseball has announced it’s rosters for the 2015 MLB All-Star Game as voted by fans, players and designated managers. The game will be played in Cincinnati for the first time since 1988 and the Kansas City Royals wil have a league high six represenatives. Blah blah blah…you are now just going to scroll down to the rosters because you could care less what I have to say here. But I am going to change some names and see if you notice. And then in a few minutes you’re going to scroll back up and say “what is this all about? These aren’t even the right names! What is going on?” Well you should have just read this to begin with and saved yourself the trouble. Stop being a rebel and follow some rules you scallywag.

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AL Starters (fan vote)

C Salvador Dali, Royals
1B Ryan Cabrera, Tigers (injured, will not play)
2B Jose Canseco, Astros
SS Pablo Escobar, Royals
3B Sam Donaldson, Blue Jays (leading vote-getter overall)
OF Dizzy Trout, Angels
OF Lorenzo Lamas, Royals
OF Alex Keaton, Royals
DH Nelson Mandela, Mariners

AL Reserves

C Russell Wilson, Blue Jays
C Jon Vogt, Athletics
1B Albert Pooholes, Angels (will start in place of the injured Cabrera)
1B Prince Fatter, Rangers
1B Glover Teixeira, Yankees (replaces injured Cabrera on roster)
2B Jason Kapono, Indians
SS Julio Iglesias, Tigers
3B Manny Pacquiao, Orioles
OF J.D. Salinger, Tigers
OF Jose Bautista, Blue Jays
OF Adam (Pac-Man) Jones, Orioles
UTIL Brock Lesnar, Red Sox

AL Pitchers

RHP Sonny Von Bulow, Athletics
RHP Felix the Cat, Mariners
RHP Sterling Archer, Rays
LHP Vincent Price, Tigers
LHP Dallas Lovato, Astros
LHP Chris Pratt, White Sox
RHP Dylan Betances, Yankees
RHP Brad Sellers, Rays
RHP Efren Herrera, Royals
RHP Wade Phillips, Royals
RHP Darren TO’Day, Orioles
LHP Carl Perkins, Twins
LHP Zach Braff, Orioles

AL Final Vote Candidates

SS Humphrey Bogaerts, Red Sox
OF Weenis Cespedes, Tigers
OF Brett Favre, Yankees
2B DJ Dozier, Twins
3B Mike Moustaches, Royals

NL Starters (fan vote)

C Buster Keaton, Giants
1B Paul Goldschlager, Diamondbacks
2B Dee Brown, Marlins
SS Jhonny Pheralta, Cardinals
3B Tommy Frazier, Reds
OF Alvin Harper, Nationals (leading vote-getter in NL)
OF Doc Holliday, Cardinals (injured, participation questionable)
OF Edwin Stanton, Marlins (injured, will not play)

NL Reserves

C Alfred Molina, Cardinals
C Yasmani Grandali, Dodgers
1B Betty Rizzo, Cubs
1B Adrian Balboa, Dodgers
2B DJ LeMaywho, Rockies
2B Joe Bartnik, Giants
SS Jamal Crawford, Giants
3B Nolan Ryan, Rockies
3B Kobe Bryant, Cubs (replaces injured Stanton on roster)
OF Lawrence McCutchen, Pirates (will start in place of the injured Stanton)
OF Doc Pederson, Dodgers
OF Justin Time, Padres
OF A.J. Pollockski, Diamondbacks

NL Pitchers

RHP Max Weinberg, Nationals
RHP Zack Steinke, Dodgers
RHP Gerrit King Cole, Pirates
RHP Michael Waka Flocka Flame, Cardinals
RHP Jacob deSnake, Mets
RHP Shelby Cobra, Braves
RHP A.J. Hawk, Pirates
LHP Madison Buttgardner, Giants
RHP Trevor Whatever, Cardinals
RHP Mark Melancholy, Pirates
RHP Jonathan Papelbapel, Phillies
RHP Francisco NotAlex Rodriguez, Brewers
LHP Rex Chapman, Reds

NL Final Vote Candidates

RHP Johnny Bravo, Reds
RHP Mi Familia, Mets
LHP Clayton Kerchoke, Dodgers
RHP Carlos Santana, Cardinals
SS Troy Tulogetshurtstzki, Rockies

Colorado Rockies could be interested in signing Hope Solo

Goalkeeper Hope Solo recorded her 89th career shutout on Tuesday night as the Team USA outlasted Germany to advance to the finals in the Women’s World Cup.

And the struggling Colorado Rockies have taken notice.

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The Rockies are currently 34-43 and sitting in last place in the National League West. They have a league worst 4.90 ERA and have allowed 396 runs to be scored against them and once again it seems that their pitching will be their undoing.

But co-owners Richard (Dick) and Charles (Charlie) Monfort have an idea about how to change their franchise.

“People say that we don’t know much about baseball…or sports in general…but we really do.” said Charlie on Wednesday morning. “We were reading that Hope Solo now has 89 career shutouts and she isn’t even signed with a Major League Baseball team. We feel that she would be an excellent adddition to our team.”

Did it concern him that her shutouts have come in US National Team competition? Or for that matter in the sport of soccer?

“No, not at all.” Charlie responded. “We bring players up from our farm league teams that have never played major league ball all the time. So this would just be just like one of those situations.”

“We haven’t had a shutout since like 2010.” added Dick. “This move just makes so much sense for this franchise.”

Colorado Rockies GM Jeff Bridich says “no issue” with MGR Walt Weiss

Rockies+2Colorado Rockies general manager Jeff Bridich says that manager Walt Weiss is not in trouble and in fact he likes where the Rockies are right now.

Currently Colorado is 16-25 and dead last in the NL West.

“We clearly don’t mind being terrible.” He added. “In fact we prefer it. We wouldn’t even field a team if we didn’t have to but Major League Baseball is very strict about that. Believe me. We’ve asked.”

Don’t they even want to try to win?

“Not really.” Bridich answered. “It just creates false hope and we have learned that people come to Coors Field to hang out. They don’t even watch the games apparently because we keep trotting out these awful lineups and people just keep coming.  At some point we think they might catch on but they just keep coming. It’s awesome. We literally have no job performance standards! People keep showing up and giving us money for nothing. It’s amazing!”

Bridich concluded the interview by laughing maniacally and singing a few bars of the 80s song “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits.

Colorado Rockies unsure how to act after actually winning a game

The Colorado Rockies blanked the Milwaukee Brewers on Monday 10-0 winning their first game in nearly six months. The win left both Rockies players and fans unsure of how to respond.

“Do we celebrate? Do we play it low-key? Shouldn’t there be some Gatorade involved?” asked Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki who singled, doubled twice, and scored three times.

Starter Kyle Kendrick pitched seven solid innings and allowed seven hits while singling twice himself at the plate. Kendrick was at a loss however for what to do upon actually winning a game. “I just can’t believe we actually won. I mean…the Rockies! On the road! What are the odds?”

Joy was aplenty in the Colorado clubhouse following the big opening day victory.

“We finally did it. We won the big one.” said Rockies manager Walt Weiss. “I just hope we don’t have to do it again.”