The 2017 Daly Dose NFL Mockery Draft

The NFL Draft is nearly here, and as the best professionals in the business put the finishing touches on their big draft boards, we take a look at how most of them will fail miserably.

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2017 Daly Dose Mockery Draft

 

1. Cleveland Browns

The Cleveland Browns have been searching for a bona fide starting quarterback for decades, unfortunately this class doesn’t have any. So, if you’re looking to make fun of them for drafting a quarterback here, think again. Of course, they do have Brock Osweiler…so go nuts.

Pick: Myles Garrett DE Texas A&M

2. San Francisco 49ers

Niners owner Jed York has done a wonderful job of running a once-proud franchise directly into the ground. He is now telling us that new general manager John Lynch, and new head coach Kyle Shanahan, are going to be a great combo for years to come. Do we we have any reason to doubt him? Yes. yes we do.

Pick: Solomon Thomas DE Stanford

 

3. Chicago Bears

Head coach John Fox may be in a playoffs or else situation here. The Jay Cutler era is over in the Windy City, but now the Bears have to deal with the very real situation of finding another quarterback to be better than Cutler. Mike Glennon has been signed to replace Cutler, and even though he has a tendency to throw some dangerous passes, at least he might act like he actually cares afterward.

Pick: Jonathan Allen DE Alabama

 

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

What to do with QB Blake Bortles? He seems to only look good in garbage time, once the game is already decided. So it seems that the Jags will draft Fournette, who only plays when he feels like it too. What could possibly go wrong?

Pick: Leonard Fournette RB LSU

 

5. Tennessee Titans

The Titans were headed to the playoffs last season, until starting QB Marcus Mariota suffered a season ending injury. This is a good young team that is more than capable of being a championship contender. And then coming up about a half-yard short.

Pick: Mike Williams WR Clemson

 

6. New York Jets

The Jets current quarterback depth chart consists of Josh McCown, Christian Hackenberg, and Bryce Petty… proving once and for all that they literally will take anyone on the planet over Geno Smith.

Pick: DeShaun Watson QB Clemson

 

7. Los Angeles Chargers

The newest NFL team in Los Angeles, taking a player named “Hooker”. Yep, that’s just science, people.

Pick: Malik Hooker S Ohio State

 

8. Carolina Panthers

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In 2015, everything just broke right for the Panthers. They went 15-1 and went all the way to the Super Bowl. Yes, they struggled in 2016, but there is no reason to think they can’t get back on track. What could possibly go wrong when your leader and best player is a guy that wears an adult romper?

Pick: Dalvin Cook RB Florida State

 

9. Cincinnati Bengals

For the first time in Andy Dalton’s time in Cincinnati, the Bengals missed the playoffs. The Bengals believe that the setback was mostly due to injuries, and bad luck. Of course, they will also tell you that Dalton is a franchise quarterback, and that Marvin Lewis is a great coach. So they might not be the most credible source.

Pick: Reuben Foster LB Alabama

 

10. Buffalo Bills

The Bills suffered a ton of injuries last season, going 7-9, and missing the playoffs for the 57th season in a row. Of course, they did finally fire head coach Rex Ryan. So all in all, it was a pretty good year.

Pick:  Jamal Adams S LSU

 

11. New Orleans Saints

We all laughed at Jeff Fisher for going 7-9 every season. Don’t look now but, Sean Payton has had a 7-9 record three years in a row. Good thing Payton has that Super Bowl win to quiet the critics. And also a good thing that he doesn’t have a 70’s pornstache.

Pick: Derek Barnett DE Tennessee  

 

12. Cleveland Browns

The Browns need receiving targets, as Terrelle Pryor left via free agency. Then they will just need a passer, some offensive linemen, a runner or two, and maybe a defense.

Pick: OJ Howard TE Alabama

 

13. Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals failed to live up to their lofty expectations in 2016, but a lot of that was due to a huge rash of injuries, and also due to the fact that QB Carson Palmer wasn’t one of those injuries.

Pick: Corey Davis WR Western Michigan

 

14. Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles definitely need some more offensive weapons to surround young QB Carson Wentz, and Christian McCaffrey would fit the bill there. He’s very similar to former Eagles playmaker Darren Sproles…aside from one key difference.

He’s a little taller.

Pick: Christian McCaffrey, RB Stanford

 

15. Indianapolis Colts

The Colts continue to try to get QB Andrew Luck killed year after year, by surrounding him with as little talent as possible. We all just assume that GM Ryan Grigson and head coach Chuck Pagano are bad at their job, but maybe they just don’t like that goofy cornball.

Pick: Takkarist McKinley DE UCLA

 

16. Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens have probably suffered more injuries than anyone in the NFL over the past two seasons. John Ross is a talented wide receiver, who ran the fastest 40 time in NFL Combine history, with just one drawback. He has a history of injuries.

Pick: WR John Ross Washington

 

17. Washington Redskins

Washington has a reasonably talented team, but an absolute  disaster at quarterback. Kirk Cousins says he won’t sign a long term deal unless it’s for huge money, but that would hamstring the franchise. Much like his play did in the final three games last year.

Pick: Mitchell Trubisky QB North Carolina

 

18. Tennessee Titans

The Titans grab another weapon for quarterback Marcus Mariota. There’s really no reason to think these Titans won’t be a contender in the coming seasons. I mean, except for the fact that they’re the Titans.

Pick: David Njoku, TE, Miami

 

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs seem to be on the right track, and even had a chance to make the playoffs last season.  This season, they will appear on HBO’s Hard Knocks, so all of the momentum will probably disappear.

Pick: Jabril Peppers, LB, Michigan

 

20. Denver Broncos

The Broncos are intent on building an offensive line that is capable of protecting their quarterback. Now if only they had a quarterback worth protecting.

Pick: Ryan Ramczyk, OT Wisconsin

 

21. Detroit Lions

The Lions somehow made the playoffs in 2016. The Cubs won the World Series in 2016. How did the world not end in 2016 again?

Pick: Jarrad Davis, LB, Florida

 

22. Miami Dolphins

Look for the Dolphins to try to shore up their linebacking crew here, in anticipation of a challenging schedule, that has the Dolphins playing four prime-time games. The schedule makers at the NFL have obviously never seen Ryan Tannehill play before.

Pick: TJ Watt, OLB, Wisconsin

 

23. New York Giants

The Giants need to bolster that offensive line so that they can keep Eli Manning from taking so many hits. It should help him get back to being a top notch QB, and it should help him confuse those memorabilia dealers with a cleaner jersey. So…win/win.

Pick: Garrett Boles, OT, Utah

 

24. Oakland Raiders

The Raiders have one of the top offenses in the NFL, with QB Derek Carr returning from injury, so they should go defense here. Last year’s Raiders defense has the distinction of allowing Brock Osweiler to actually win a playoff game. So they clearly need a lot of help.

Pick: Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan

 

25. Houston Texans

Speaking of Brock Osweiler, the Texans literally paid to not have him on their roster, despite the fact that it leaves them without a bonafide starter. They literally said “we would rather have no one, than have you.” Now, that’s commitment.

Pick: Patrick Mahomes, QB, Texas Tech

 

26. Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks have a number of holes to fill, including defensive tackle and offensive line, but we are betting that they are really desperate to get rid of a certain loudmouthed underachieving cornerback. So…

Pick: Kevin King, CB, Washington

 

27. Kansas City Chiefs

Last season, the Chiefs made the playoffs for the first time since 1993, despite QB Alex Smith throwing less touchdowns than Colin Kaepernick and Blake Bortles. You might think that such a lack of production would be cause to draft a QB early here, but you clearly don’t realize how stubborn head coach Andy Reid really is.

Pick: Gareon Conley, CB, Ohio State

 

28. Dallas Cowboys

There’s a chance that Ezekiel Elliott could face some discipline from the NFL, for a domestic violence case back in 2016, plus that whole pulling down a female’s shirt back in February. Between that time, and the time Mixon will undoubtedly be sitting out, the Cowboys should be able to keep at least one running back on the active roster.

Pick: Joe Mixon, RB, Oklahoma

 

29. Green Bay Packers

The Packers were so injured last year, that they were actually starting cardboard cutouts at defensive back. Yet, Aaron Rodgers is such a controlling force on the field that he was able to carry the Packers all the way to the NFC Championship game. We haven’t seen control like that since…well…since Olivia Munn got Aaron to completely shut off his family.

Pick: Teez Tabor, CB, Florida

 

30. Pittsburgh Steelers

Remember when Ben Roethlisberger told the Steelers he was thinking about retiring? The Steelers sure do. So they pass up talented wide receivers, linebackers, and safeties here and grab a new QB with this pick. Not so funny now, is it Ben?

Pick: DeShone Kizer, QB, Notre Dame

 

31. Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons need to beef up their offensive line, and Lamp should provide some depth. Plus, he reportedly knows the Heimlich maneuver. So that’s huge.

Pick: Forrest Lamp, OG, Western Kentucky

 

32. New Orleans Saints

New Orleans picked up another pick in the first round when they traded wide receiver Brandin Cooks to New England. New Orleans management has to be a little concerned by the fact that Bill Belichick kept on insisting that they include their soul in the deal too.

Pick: Adoree’ Jackson, CB, USC

The Daly Dose 2016 NFL Mockery Draft

It’s that time of year again where we act like we know which players are going to be selected in the NFL Draft! And then we act like we know how those picks will do. And then we act like we know how the teams will do in the upcoming season. And then we are proven miserably wrong.

Don’t act like I’m the only one.

Mockery

1. Los Angeles Rams

The Rams were looking for a splashy move to get them out of the funk they’ve been in. Over the past four seasons they have finished 7-9, 6-10, 7-9, and 7-8-1. So they moved to LA and traded up to draft a shiny new QB. Goff should be able to help the Rams reach 8-8 in just a few seasons.

Pick: Jared Goff, QB, Cal

 

 

2. Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles traded away four draft picks to move into the No. 2 spot, and draft a new quarterback, which reportedly infuriated current quarterback Sam Bradford. He has now thrown a temper tantrum and asked to be traded. And probably hurt himself again in the process.

Pick: Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State

 

 

3. San Diego Chargers

The Chargers need some help on the defensive side of the ball and Bosa should help right away. This might not make QB Philip Rivers happy, after being sacked 40 times in 2015, but at least Bosa won’t be sacking him.

Pick: Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State

 

 

4. Dallas Cowboys

Ramsey played both cornerback and safety at FSU and will need to become more polished to be worth this high of a pick. But he was very impressive at the NFL Combine, and we all know that Jerry Jones likes shiny things, no matter if they make sense or not.

Pick: Jalen Ramsey, CB, Florida State

 

 

5. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jags are quietly building a solid team which is nice, because when they end up moving to London the Brits are going to get a decent team to watch, while they sip their tea.

Pick: Myles Jack, OLB, UCLA

 

 

6. Baltimore Ravens

Baltimore was one of the most injured teams in 2015. They lost OLB Terrell Suggs to a torn Achilles. Chris Canty was out with a torn pectoral muscle. RB Justin Forsett broke his arm. And QB Joe Flacco severely sprained his unibrow.

Pick: DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon

 

 

7. San Francisco 49ers

The Niners were really hoping to get Goff, but just as Colin Kaepernick is learning, you don’t always get what you want.

Pick: Laremy Tunsill, OT, Ole Miss

 

 

8. Cleveland Browns

The Browns got a great deal by trading the No. 2 pick to the Eagles, and picking up four picks in return. Of course, it is the Browns. So these picks are pretty much guaranteed to do nothing. Except illegal substances.

Pick: Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State

 

 

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tampa needs help literally everywhere on the defensive side of the ball after allowing nearly 27 points per game in 2015. Hargreaves gives them a talented young corner. Now they just need ten other guys.

Pick: Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida

 

 

10. New York Giants

Peyton’s little brother needs a better offensive line. And the Giants are going to have some adjustments to make after the firing of head coach Tom Couglin. Like how dinner will no longer be served at 3:00 p.m.

Pick: Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame

 

 

11. Chicago Bears

John Fox is starting to put together a team that is capable of making the playoffs. Of course, it is John Fox, so they will lose once they get there.

Pick: Leonard Floyd, LB, Georgia

 

 

12. New Orleans Saints

The Saints have to get better defensively. Because it is scientifically impossible for them to be any worse.

Pick: A’Shawn Robinson, DL, Alabama

 

 

13. Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins will get better on the defensive front, and they will hope that no one notices that quarterback Ryan Tannehill is not nearly as good as his wife looks.

Pick: Kevin Dodd, DE, Clemson

 

 

14. Oakland Raiders

If the Raiders can shore up their secondary they could have an outside shot of making the playoffs for the first time since 2002. No really. I’m serious. Stop laughing.

Pick: William Jackson III, CB, Houston

 

 

15. Tennessee Titans

The Titans trade down and try to get some more personality for what is easily the most boring team in the NFL. So they draft an offensive lineman out of Michigan State. Let the ticker-tape parade begin.

Pick: Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State

 

 

16. Detroit Lions

The Lions must look to beef up their defensive line. And they also need to get off to a better start than they did in 2015, when they lost their first five games of the season.  Of course the Lions went 0-16 in 2008, so five games were a picnic to Detroit fans.

Pick: Sheldon Rankins, DT, Louisville

 

 

17. Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta started 2015 with a 6-1 record, and proclaimed to the world that their defense was fixed. But then they had to actually play teams outside of the NFC East, and realized that their defense was every bit as awful as we thought it would be.

Pick: Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State

 

 

18. Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are saying that they will take the top player in the draft regardless of position, but if they can’t protect Andrew Luck than this team is still going to be uglier than Luck’s beard.

Pick: Taylor Decker, OT, Ohio State

 

 

19. Buffalo Bills

Rex Ryan ends his pre-draft meeting with the controversial statement “Let’s go draft a g-dd–mned Shaq.”

Pick: Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson

 

 

20. NY Jets

The Jets could probably use an offensive lineman here, but let’s be honest who are they going to be protecting? Geno Smith? So nevermind.

Pick: Reggie Ragland, LB, Alabama

 

 

21. Washington Redskins

Washington fans are looking forward to another playoff run after scraping their way into the postseason last year. Fortunately, people in the D.C. area are used to unfulfilled expectations.

Pick: Jarran Reed, DT, Alabama

 

 

22. Houston Texans

The Texans grab a talented wide receiver for new quarterback Brock Osweiler who signed via free agency. Osweiler is sure to become yet another great QB in Texans history…just like David Carr and Matt Schaub.

Pick: Josh Doctson, WR, TCU

 

 

23. Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings pick up a deep threat wide receiver here, but only because drafting a kicker in the first round would seem ridiculous.

Pick: Laquan Treadwell, WR, Mississippi

 

 

24. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals will draft Will Fuller from Notre Dame and look to immediately corrupt him into their twisted cult of evil and stupid penalties.

Pick: Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame

 

 

25. Pittsburgh Steelers

Early last season the Steelers defense looked like it was going to be fine after the losing defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau. But then they found out that they couldn’t play the Browns every week.

Pick: Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State

 

 

26. Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks need to replace the loss of Brandon Mebane and Chris Jones is used to playing in a stadium full of clanging cowbells at Mississippi State. So playing in another stadium of manufactured noise should be a good fit.

Pick: Chris Jones, DT, Mississippi State

 

 

27. Green Bay Packers

BJ Raji is taking the year off and Mike Pennel is suspended for the first four games, so the Packers look to pick up another 300 pounder. At least until Eddie Lacy gets back to eating cheese curds 12 times a day.

Pick: Andrew Billings, DT, Baylor

 

 

28. Kansas City Chiefs

With the Justin Houston injury the Chiefs are forced to grab another pass rusher, but unless he can take over the clock management duties from Andy Reid late in games, then does it really matter?

Pick: Noah Spence, DE, Eastern Kentucky

 

 

29. New England Patriots

The Patriots forfeit this pick due to “deflate-gate”. And now Tom Brady is suspended too. Just wanted to remind Patriot fans in case they forgot.

Pick: Forfeited pick

 

 

30. Arizona Cardinals

The Cards pick up a safety here and then Carson Palmer will also throw the ball to a safety in the Cardinals playoff game. And a cornerback. And a linebacker.

Pick: TJ Green, FS, Clemson

 

 

31. Carolina Panthers

It isn’t that the Panthers really need another tackle, but Cam Newton is still seeing Von Miller in his nightmares. And it’s starting to interfere with his daily dab routine.

Pick: Jason Spriggs, OT, Indiana

 

 

32. Denver Broncos

Robert Nkemdiche is a talented player, but he did have a pretty serious off the field incident, while under the influence of marijuana. So he needs to go to a place where his access to pot is limited.

Pick: Robert Nkemdiche, DT, Ole Miss