It’s that time of year again where we act like we know which players are going to be selected in the NFL Draft! And then we act like we know how those picks will do. And then we act like we know how the teams will do in the upcoming season. And then we are proven miserably wrong.
Don’t act like I’m the only one.
1. Los Angeles Rams
The Rams were looking for a splashy move to get them out of the funk they’ve been in. Over the past four seasons they have finished 7-9, 6-10, 7-9, and 7-8-1. So they moved to LA and traded up to draft a shiny new QB. Goff should be able to help the Rams reach 8-8 in just a few seasons.
Pick: Jared Goff, QB, Cal
2. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles traded away four draft picks to move into the No. 2 spot, and draft a new quarterback, which reportedly infuriated current quarterback Sam Bradford. He has now thrown a temper tantrum and asked to be traded. And probably hurt himself again in the process.
Pick: Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State
3. San Diego Chargers
The Chargers need some help on the defensive side of the ball and Bosa should help right away. This might not make QB Philip Rivers happy, after being sacked 40 times in 2015, but at least Bosa won’t be sacking him.
Pick: Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
4. Dallas Cowboys
Ramsey played both cornerback and safety at FSU and will need to become more polished to be worth this high of a pick. But he was very impressive at the NFL Combine, and we all know that Jerry Jones likes shiny things, no matter if they make sense or not.
Pick: Jalen Ramsey, CB, Florida State
5. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags are quietly building a solid team which is nice, because when they end up moving to London the Brits are going to get a decent team to watch, while they sip their tea.
Pick: Myles Jack, OLB, UCLA
6. Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore was one of the most injured teams in 2015. They lost OLB Terrell Suggs to a torn Achilles. Chris Canty was out with a torn pectoral muscle. RB Justin Forsett broke his arm. And QB Joe Flacco severely sprained his unibrow.
Pick: DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon
7. San Francisco 49ers
The Niners were really hoping to get Goff, but just as Colin Kaepernick is learning, you don’t always get what you want.
Pick: Laremy Tunsill, OT, Ole Miss
8. Cleveland Browns
The Browns got a great deal by trading the No. 2 pick to the Eagles, and picking up four picks in return. Of course, it is the Browns. So these picks are pretty much guaranteed to do nothing. Except illegal substances.
Pick: Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa needs help literally everywhere on the defensive side of the ball after allowing nearly 27 points per game in 2015. Hargreaves gives them a talented young corner. Now they just need ten other guys.
Pick: Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
10. New York Giants
Peyton’s little brother needs a better offensive line. And the Giants are going to have some adjustments to make after the firing of head coach Tom Couglin. Like how dinner will no longer be served at 3:00 p.m.
Pick: Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame
11. Chicago Bears
John Fox is starting to put together a team that is capable of making the playoffs. Of course, it is John Fox, so they will lose once they get there.
Pick: Leonard Floyd, LB, Georgia
12. New Orleans Saints
The Saints have to get better defensively. Because it is scientifically impossible for them to be any worse.
Pick: A’Shawn Robinson, DL, Alabama
13. Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins will get better on the defensive front, and they will hope that no one notices that quarterback Ryan Tannehill is not nearly as good as his wife looks.
Pick: Kevin Dodd, DE, Clemson
14. Oakland Raiders
If the Raiders can shore up their secondary they could have an outside shot of making the playoffs for the first time since 2002. No really. I’m serious. Stop laughing.
Pick: William Jackson III, CB, Houston
15. Tennessee Titans
The Titans trade down and try to get some more personality for what is easily the most boring team in the NFL. So they draft an offensive lineman out of Michigan State. Let the ticker-tape parade begin.
Pick: Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
16. Detroit Lions
The Lions must look to beef up their defensive line. And they also need to get off to a better start than they did in 2015, when they lost their first five games of the season. Of course the Lions went 0-16 in 2008, so five games were a picnic to Detroit fans.
Pick: Sheldon Rankins, DT, Louisville
17. Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta started 2015 with a 6-1 record, and proclaimed to the world that their defense was fixed. But then they had to actually play teams outside of the NFC East, and realized that their defense was every bit as awful as we thought it would be.
Pick: Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State
18. Indianapolis Colts
The Colts are saying that they will take the top player in the draft regardless of position, but if they can’t protect Andrew Luck than this team is still going to be uglier than Luck’s beard.
Pick: Taylor Decker, OT, Ohio State
19. Buffalo Bills
Rex Ryan ends his pre-draft meeting with the controversial statement “Let’s go draft a g-dd–mned Shaq.”
Pick: Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson
20. NY Jets
The Jets could probably use an offensive lineman here, but let’s be honest who are they going to be protecting? Geno Smith? So nevermind.
Pick: Reggie Ragland, LB, Alabama
21. Washington Redskins
Washington fans are looking forward to another playoff run after scraping their way into the postseason last year. Fortunately, people in the D.C. area are used to unfulfilled expectations.
Pick: Jarran Reed, DT, Alabama
22. Houston Texans
The Texans grab a talented wide receiver for new quarterback Brock Osweiler who signed via free agency. Osweiler is sure to become yet another great QB in Texans history…just like David Carr and Matt Schaub.
Pick: Josh Doctson, WR, TCU
23. Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings pick up a deep threat wide receiver here, but only because drafting a kicker in the first round would seem ridiculous.
Pick: Laquan Treadwell, WR, Mississippi
24. Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals will draft Will Fuller from Notre Dame and look to immediately corrupt him into their twisted cult of evil and stupid penalties.
Pick: Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame
25. Pittsburgh Steelers
Early last season the Steelers defense looked like it was going to be fine after the losing defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau. But then they found out that they couldn’t play the Browns every week.
Pick: Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
26. Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks need to replace the loss of Brandon Mebane and Chris Jones is used to playing in a stadium full of clanging cowbells at Mississippi State. So playing in another stadium of manufactured noise should be a good fit.
Pick: Chris Jones, DT, Mississippi State
27. Green Bay Packers
BJ Raji is taking the year off and Mike Pennel is suspended for the first four games, so the Packers look to pick up another 300 pounder. At least until Eddie Lacy gets back to eating cheese curds 12 times a day.
Pick: Andrew Billings, DT, Baylor
28. Kansas City Chiefs
With the Justin Houston injury the Chiefs are forced to grab another pass rusher, but unless he can take over the clock management duties from Andy Reid late in games, then does it really matter?
Pick: Noah Spence, DE, Eastern Kentucky
29. New England Patriots
The Patriots forfeit this pick due to “deflate-gate”. And now Tom Brady is suspended too. Just wanted to remind Patriot fans in case they forgot.
Pick: Forfeited pick
30. Arizona Cardinals
The Cards pick up a safety here and then Carson Palmer will also throw the ball to a safety in the Cardinals playoff game. And a cornerback. And a linebacker.
Pick: TJ Green, FS, Clemson
31. Carolina Panthers
It isn’t that the Panthers really need another tackle, but Cam Newton is still seeing Von Miller in his nightmares. And it’s starting to interfere with his daily dab routine.
Pick: Jason Spriggs, OT, Indiana
32. Denver Broncos
Robert Nkemdiche is a talented player, but he did have a pretty serious off the field incident, while under the influence of marijuana. So he needs to go to a place where his access to pot is limited.