MLB announces they will keep all future playoff schedules completely secret

Major League Baseball has had enough of you watching their postseason playoff games.

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They tried to keep their postseason schedules quiet, scheduling games for the middle of the day when the average fan is still at work.

They have even tried to hide the broadcasts for television coverage placing them on obscure networks like FS1 in between the hunting channel and the 24 hour cupcake contest channel.

But now they are playing for keeps.

They have announced that you can only watch the games if you know a secret password and the games will be scheduled at random times of the day.

“We believe that baseball should be enjoyed by only certain people. It is like an exclusive club. And we only want people who are true baseball fans.” said Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred. ‘And to be really honest we would like them to be at least 60 and preferably white. So we are going to hide the games. They might be on Friday night during prime time. Or they might be in the middle of the night on a Tuesday.You just never know. And I’m not going to tell you.”

When asked if he is concerned about baseball being so far behind football in viewership numbers Manfred was unapologetic. “Our numbers have never been higher. We have never had such high numbers in 2015 on a Wednesday afternoon as we just had yesterday. Oh sure, I know that statistic doesn’t make one ounce of sense but whatever I can do to keep the attention off of our sport being boring, outdated, and going the way of horse racing is what I am going to try to do.”

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