New England Patriots ball boys accidentally launch nuclear warhead

It seems those two ball boys for the New England Patriots can’t stay out of trouble for long. On the heels of the “Deflategate” controversy it seems that James McNally and John Jastremski are up their wacky hijinks once again.

Last time we caught up with these two they had secretly deflated the footballs for Tom Brady.

This time it was something significantly more serious.

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McNally and Jastremski are being named the scapegoats once again in a nuclear strike that detonated in the Middle East.

President Barack Obama was at the podium to discuss the allegations that the United States has attacked another country without provocation.

The following is the entire transcript from Obama’s press conference on Thursday afternoon regarding the allegations against the United States.

Obama: I want to take this opportunity to share some information. I spent a significant amount of time this past week learning as much as I could learn, more than I could ever imagine to tell you the truth, about nuclear missiles, launch keys, security, launch preparation, and so forth. [I’m] trying to be as helpful as I can here and share with you what I’ve learned.

I want to be completely clear on one thing. I had nothing whatsoever to do with this. This is all Joe. Not me. He gets all drunk and starts playing cops and robbers or whatever he was doing with his new little pothead friends. And sometimes we have accidents. But I didn’t do this. It was him. Not me.

I would now like to bring up Vice President Joe Biden to give his side of what happened.

Joe Biden: Obviously I’d much rather be up here talking about “my stimulus package” (giggling) and preparing for my presidential campaign, which we’ve been trying to do for the last few days. I know President [Barack] Obama addressed it with you guys this morning and I wanted to give you guys the opportunity to ask [The] questions that you want. I’ll do my best to provide the answers that I have, if any, and we’ll go from there.

Q: When and how did you supposedly lose the launch keys?

JB: I didn’t “lose” the keys in any way, okay? I have a process that I go through every day where I check my pockets, I look around my room, and I check my aquarium. But we brought in these new equipment guys from the New England Patriots…you know just to help out around the White House…take me to McDonalds, clean the launch keys…whatever. And we had drank a little on Sunday night and then ordered like 16 pizzas and made prank phone calls to Mitt Romney. That happened obviously on Sunday night. It was the same process that I always go through. I didn’t think anything of it. Obviously I woke up Monday morning and answered a question on the radio about it and that was the first I really heard about it.

Q: This has raised a lot of uncomfortable conversations for people around this country who view you as being in control of the most dangerous weapons on the planet. The question they’re asking themselves is, ‘What’s up with our Vice President?’ Can you answer right now, is Joe Biden a warmonger?

JB: I don’t believe so. I feel like I’ve always played within the rules. I would never do anything to break the rules. I believe in just regular wars and maybe gun fights like on Die Hard but I respect everything the United Nations tries to do with creating a more peaceful world and all that crap. It’s a very competitive world. Every nation is trying to do the best they can to win every week. I believe in fair play. And I always have. And I always will.

Q: Some people think President Obama threw you under the bus this morning, do you feel that way?

JB: No, I think everyone is obviously trying to figure out what happened. I think that’s the main thing over the last couple days. It’s trying to figure out what happened. He has tried to throw me in front of a real bus before. This was not that at all.

Q: Do all Vice Presidents have access to the warhead keys and have you done anything differently from anyone else previously?

JB: I’m not sure. I can only speak for myself. I think that there’s a process that everybody goes through with their keys. It’s probably a lot like a baseball mitt when you’re a kid. I try to explain that to my friends a lot. When I play with the keys and sometimes pretend to be the president and that I am going to just nuke somebody it goes through my mind. I want to be very familiar with the equipment that I’m using, just like my X-Box controller, just like my tie, just like my shoes. You go through that process of putting the keys into the launch activator and getting comfortable with them. Then I yell things like “Pow! Pow! Pow!”

Q: How important is it for you to get this out of the way and take this head-on so you can get focused on your presidential campaign?

JB: That’s where the importance is, as far as I’m concerned. I know this is a very important thing and that’s why I’m here addressing it. I know with Barack, we accomplished something really special getting to this point. We’re going to work as hard as we can over the next 10 days and try to forget about that giant crater that is now the Middle East.

Q: Do you know the difference between a pretend nuclear strike and a real one? Did you notice a difference in the time leading up to the actual nuclear warhead launch?

JB: I didn’t think twice about it. I woke up in my room with my foot stuck in the trash can and I was wearing a giant pirate hat that we had made with one of the pizza boxes and I noticed immediately that my keys were not with me. Jimmy and Johnny were not in the room and so I thought I better find them before Barack comes in and yells at me again.

Q: What do you say to the skeptics that say, ‘An accidental nuclear warhead was launched under this administration. How can we possibly believe what Biden and the president are saying now?’

JB: Everybody has an opinion. I think everybody has the right to believe whatever they want. I don’t ever cast judgment on someone’s belief system. If that’s what they feel like they want to do, then believe whatever you want. I believe in the Loch Ness monster. Is that crazy? Maybe. Do I still believe it? You bet.

Q: Are you comfortable that nobody on your side did anything wrong?

JB: I have no knowledge of anything.

Q: Are you comfortable that nobody did anything?

JB: Yeah, I’m very comfortable saying that. I’m very comfortable saying that nobody did it, as far as I know. I don’t know everything. I also understand that I was sleeping off some of that Natty Lite that they brought over. I don’t know what happened while I was out. Johnny and Jimmy might know more about that than I do. Those guys are cray cray as the kids like to say.

Q: If it’s found that someone improperly launched the nuclear missile, is it important to you that someone is held accountable?

JB: I’m not the one that imposes [that] type of accountably. Its discipline and all that, that’s not really my job. Barack and Michelle yell at me a lot and send me to my room. And Michelle put me in time out last week because I was drinking Red Bull last week. But I like it and she’s not my mom.

Q: Is this a moment to just say ‘I’m sorry,’ to your supporters?

JB: I think it’s disappointing that a situation like this happens. Obviously I’d love to be up here talking about sitting in the Oval Office, not worried about spilling my Powerade, in a very joyful mood. I’m obviously very disappointed that we have to be having a press conference like this.

Following the press conferences the United Nations was able to get a transcript of text messages sent back and forth between White House Office Aides James McNally and John Jastremski from the night in question:

McNally: Joe sucks- he drank all of our beer… I’m going to take his nuclear warhead keys and blow up the greater Boston area.

Jastremski: When we were playing army last night. He actually brought you up and said you are one of his favorite people to play with. He loved that pirate hat you made with the pizza box. He was wearing it around saying “I’m Barack! I’m Barack!”

Jastremski: He’s funny.

Jastremski: I got caught by Michelle this morning. She took all of our Funyuns and Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies.

McNally: F*ck joe and michelle…Wait till tomorrow when nuclear winter begins.

Jastremski: Omg! Spaz.

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